My pondering comes from survivor's guilt. Survivors guilt occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a trauma. I survived a heart attack and emergency heart surgery at a younger than normal age. It's an unsettling feeling to know you're losing consciousness AS it's happening.
A month before my heart attack, a high school classmate suffered a fatal heart attack. At the time, I was shocked. She was young. Like me. For several months after my surgery, I wondered why I survived and she did not. If I was a religious person, I might think a supreme being has a bigger plan for me.
This question intensified a few months after I returned to work. A surgeon I worked with spent two weeks providing needed medical care in a poor, South American country. On his way home, he suffered a fatal heart attack at the airport in Chicago. He spent his career improving others' lives. He was a very kind and giving man. I tend to be selfish. If I was a religious person, I would question the supreme being's judgment on this.
A few months ago, GirlChild's friend and classmate suffered either a fatal heart attack or an arrhythmia. He was 24-years-old and just beginning his adult life. He should have had many years of life and happiness stretched out before him. If I was a religious person, I would be pissed at the supreme being.
So why am I here? I have no answers to this question but I've come to understand that I have been given an incredible gift and I plan to use it. I travel more. I experience life. I promised myself in eighth grade that I would write a book. I'm doing that now. Each day is a bonus and I'm making the most of them.
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