The Isolation of Poverty

Poverty leads to a lonely existence. You're constantly working just to stay afloat. Even if you have the time, you don't have to money to go out to dinner with friends. In my case, even inviting people over for dinner was not an option. If I could overcome the cost, I was embarrassed by my threadbare carpet and the hand-me-down furniture which was only passed to us because it was so worn my in-laws were buying new furniture.

As I was clawing my way out of dark abyss that is poverty, I set rules for myself. If a friend invited me out, I always said I had to check with my assistant Frank first. (Frank was the name of the day planner/time management system provided by my employer.) I used this time to find the restaurant's website and check their menu. Sometimes I could afford the cheapest entrée. Other times my budget only allowed the purchase of an appetizer. If everything was out of my budget, I got back to the invitee and told him or her I had a previous commitment.



It was a great plan that should have worked. Unfortunately, nothing is fool proof.



Many nights while enjoying the company of my friends, I would watch some of them throw back drink after drink while I sipped my water or soda. There was no room in my budget for alcohol. When the check came, someone invariably suggested splitting it evenly because, "It's easier." Often the person making the suggestion was the one who drank the most.



Each time I was forced to pay for others' meals or drinks, I would do a web search for advice regarding how to handle this situation. Nearly everything I found suggested I should just suck it up and pay or not accept invites to dinners. I can understand why. You are in a no-win situation. Speaking out about the unfairness of this could not end well for me. If I refused this split based on general principle, I would look cheap. If I explained my budget situation, I would be mortified. But if I just sucked it up and paid more, I would blow my meager budget.

One evening we were celebrating a friend's birthday. I had planned my spending for the evening. I was splurging on a margarita and a nacho appetizer and I would pitch in for the birthday boy's dinner.
I arrived early so I ordered and paid for my drink at the bar. We were eventually seated and three of us decided to split the nachos because the waitress said the order was huge. After dinner, one woman grabbed the check and told us everyone's share was $34.50. There is no way I was paying that for 1/3 of our $9.99 nachos!



Empowered by the presence of two others who were also being asked to pay more than ten times the cost of their food, I spoke up. I pointed out what we ordered. I said I was willing to pitch in for the birthday meal but there was no way I was subsidizing other people's drinks when I couldn't afford my own.



Today I am financially secure but I haven't forgotten my 19 years in poverty. I see the signs in some of our friends because I've lived them. When a friend panics about social gatherings or cancels at the last minute, I notice. When a friend drinks only water or sips the same soda all night, I notice. When a friend consistently orders the cheapest thing on the menu, I notice.



Struggling financially is no reason to be socially isolated or embarrassed. When I plan outings for our friends, I do my best not to put people in positions I have been put in. I select restaurants that are a good value. I ask for separate checks so nobody is uncomfortable when the bill arrives. I look for free or inexpensive activities. I host dinners in our home. I will not be the one to exclude others or make them uncomfortable about their current situation.